


Lend a Hand

by TinyButFierce



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: M/M, this had to be done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-13
Updated: 2016-11-13
Packaged: 2018-08-30 18:46:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8544931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TinyButFierce/pseuds/TinyButFierce
Summary: Carlos comes to the show for an experiment, misunderstandings ensue.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I own nothing.

“Every day you step closer to the void that is your death, that’s it, step a little closer now, just one more step, good, now stay there. Welcome, to Nightvale.” 

“Good evening listeners, I’m excited to announce that today we’ll be having our very own perfect scientist with the most beautiful luxurious locks on today, my Boyfriend, CARLOS.”  
“But first, traffic.” 

“A black Chevy rolls through the night, undisturbed. Its light penetrates the surrounding darkness that threatens to swallow all into oblivion. It speeds down the road. But then it passes a dark shape lying in the pit on the side of the road. The car stops. A man gets out of the car, and away from its light. The light flinches, the dark shape moves. The dark shape creeps. It creeps closer to the man, the man flinches, the man is the light, no wait, the light was the car, reality bends, the dark shape gets larger and larger and it engulfs the light, the light flickering, flickering, dimming. The light speeds on. The dark creeps. The dark shape by the side of the road goes unnoticed. It groans. The man drives on, unaware of the multiverse. He thinks about his house, he thinks about his hunger, he could really go for a hamburger. The light speeds down the road. This has been traffic.”

“Listeners, I’ve received multiple requests asking for an update on Khoshekh. He’s doing fine, it seems as if he’s getting tired of being fed the same nutritious diet every day though because the last time I went to feed him he growled at me, granted, it is hard to tell the difference between his purrs and his growls but I could tell, we have a bond. Aside from that, the kittens are doing fine. There has been an incident recently of an intern being sent to the hospital from the developing poison spikes on the kitten’s backs, we all wish you a speedy recover intern Mark.”

“And now listeners, your weekly horoscopes. Virgo, watch your nephew, he’s just vying to get the money that you stashed under your bed, you may want to move it before he finds it. Libra, Watch your uncle, he knows you know. Scorpio, you will annoy everyone around you to death, why must you be the way you are Scorpio’s. Sagittarius, *sqeesh*. Capricorn, you might want to check your closet. Aquarius, don’t press play, whatever you do, do not press play. Pisces, you will wake up to the sight of a cat cooking breakfast for you, aww, isn’t that sweet, but wait, that’s not your cat. Aries, sweet dreams. Taurus, you will find your one true love, be careful, where you find them might not be where you expect. Gemini, stop making Doctor Strange jokes; they’re not as funny as you think they are. Cancer, yikes. Leo, I found your dog, he was in my garage, how’d he get there?”

“Now listeners, right next to me is my boyfriend Carlos, ready to explain to you, well, Carlos, would you like to tell the listeners what you’ll be showing us today?”

“Certainly, what I’ll be showing you today are fascinating and scientific, science fair quality, miniature volcanoes.”

“But Carlos, science fairs were outlawed after the incident with the translucent elephants, a student wanted to prove to her teacher that there really was an elephant in the room. It didn’t end well for the teacher, she was sacrificed to the elder gods on account of being proved wrong by a student, every teacher has to take the oath that that will never happen, or else well, they get sacrificed.”

“Um… well, I’m just showing you the miniature volcano part then.”

“Oooo yes, I’m so excited.”

“Well then, first you take some baking soda and vinegar and then… hey, Cecil, do you think you could help me out over here.”

“As a radio professional I have to keep telling my listeners what is happening, that means that I have to stay over here, in my comfy chair… listeners, Carlos is giving me his death glare from across the room, I’ll just, HEY, INTERN JULIA, GET IN HERE. Listeners, intern Julia is coming over to the booth, she’s been filling in for intern Mark who was filling in for intern Karim after he suffered a broken ankle, 

Julia could you help Carlos out over there.” 

“Hey, thanks Julia, do you think you can lend me a hand with this vinegar?”

“Listeners, Julia is walking out of the room and, what is she grabbing, listeners she’s grabbing her Nightvale radio stations issued machete, and, she’s cutting her hand off? Listeners, blood is spraying everywhere, Carlos is standing open mouthed on the other side of the room, and Intern Julia is walking towards him with her hand in her other hand? She’s stopping in front Carlos and extending her hand towards him. She’s trying to give her hand to him and… listeners, a drop of her blood had landed on Carlos’s perfect hair. I. I can’t’ watch this. NOTHING TOUCHES CARLOS HAIR.”

*thump*

*Scream*

“Cecil!!!”

“AND NOW TO THE WEATHER, YOU DON’T TOUCH HIS HAI…”  
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
“Listeners, the war has been won. I successfully rescued Carlos from the, inane but totally normal actions of intern Julia. Carlos’s hair has also been saved after multiple showers with invisible orange scented shampoo. Julia reattached her hand and wandered off back to the alternate universe that she came from. But I think we’ve all learned a lesson with this. Sometimes, thing shouldn’t be taken literally, It’s good to have a separation between what is reality and what is not. The physical and the metaphysical are things not to be tampered with. The glow cloud as well. ALL HAIL. But, listeners, next time you say something that’s obscure and can confuse those of us who are from an alternate universe in which things are always taken literally, think before you speak, or else you could end with blood on your favorite microphone and your boyfriends beautiful hair.” 

“The road goes ever on and on, not literally though, that would be boring.”

“Goodnight Nightvale, Goodnight.”


End file.
